but the sadness had gone, replaced by a pervading disbelief
i guess this is THAT constant reminder that i have much to learn about humans, human interaction and that i am not alone in this world and that i am bound to interact with somebody.
and sometimes i check myself for being anti-social and i try to get out and loosen up a bit and this is what i get - a bewilderment.. for being blindsided by a totally insignificant person..
and now i just i couldn't help but feel like i'm wasting time knowing new people, when you know everything is, well, fleeting. and everybody's going to die.
and sometimes, i feel so hopeless without any thought or feeling other than, "what's the point of it all? we're all going to die anyway might as well just rot here and wait without any fucking effort"
and sometimes i'm okay after my hormones have normalized or after the tide has passed.
and sometimes i feel like regressing and then i converse with you - my sweetest, fucking downfall - again and again and again
and sometimes i'm happy with you - you serious freak - but we have this mutual understanding that you don't and will never love me as more than a friend.
and i am grateful for thursday that i realized i made the right choices and i don't regret anything i did no matter how silly or superficial or naive it may seem.
and i am thankful because i'm hopeful and i am grateful that i'm not hateful and it's wonderful because i know life is beautiful.
today is the 5th day of my menstrual period. and i feel good
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Comments
You realize the people we meet now, or the ones we had in Medschool depending on how mad your social skillz are, are pretty much the end of the line? We can meet new friends, but never to the depth of the people we have, wittingly or unwittingly, stuck to our persons up until now? So the people you have now... pretty hard to ditch and divorce, eh? Even if they kill my dog or burn down my aparto, or the other way around... I'm pretty much bound to forgive them lest no one speak a nice eulogy for me when I die.
in other news, marbin is coming to manila next week pala? and the one free day she has, i'm on fucking duty. say hi for me will ya?
Anyhoo, can't wait to see you guys. Ei muts, funny thing. I realized just now, when I was looking through my semi-dead LJ, that you sent me the last message, and I recall replying to it. Thing was I think I sent it to Tnapie, thinking it was her. Talk about being absentminded. Yes, I'm losing millions of neurons as we speak. Must be this horrid October weather. My bones will be brittle before I hit thirty-five.
Kelan ka ba duty Muts? Arghhh! I wish I could stay longer!!!
Mucha, para di ka na defressed, get obsessed na lang din with Melissa shoes ;-) Makes everything better, I promise.
Or maybe the happy people did something to me kaya I'm like this...
"and i am grateful for thursday that i realized i made the right choices and i don't regret anything i did no matter how silly or superficial or naive it may seem." --> how i wish i could say this right now. i'm at point in my life where i know i've made a stupid decision. but i'm not sure if i'm supposed to regret it or just leave it be since it's already over, the damage has been done and no matter what i do i'll never be able to take back that one wrong decision that i made.
i wish it were the 5th day of my menstrual period too. i'm PMSing right now and as all girls know, PMSing can be such a bitch. :)